Dreary Friday night

Before I begin, Mom, I am okay. I'm feeling a little down tonight, that's all.

But I said I wanted to get back to depth, and I think exploring emotions fits the bill. Since I've given up sweets for Lent, my normal recourse of buying chocolate or pastries is out, so I need to instead confront what I'm feeling. Healthier on many counts, I'm sure.

Nothing in particular has happened to put me in a funk this week. It was a good week. I was busy with freelance stuff, Abigail has been very well behaved and sweet, Brad has even been a bit less pessimistic. But something hit me in the gut as I drove to the main shopping district tonight. Abigail is at her grandparents', Brad had an idea to explore and a book to read, and I felt restless, so I went out. I thought I'd look for some capris, get Abigail's Easter present, enjoy being out, etc. As I pulled within sight of Target on this very gloomy, drizzly night, I had a flashback to the very low place I was in life about six years ago where my only social outlet, and all I could afford to do, was drive to Target and walk around and not buy anything. Six years later, and I have not progressed. Yes, I have friends, but I couldn't afford to go out with them even if they weren't home with kids of their own. No, I am not anywhere near as depressed and numb as I was six years ago, but I am definitely having a down night. And of course I couldn't find any capris.

It's just so disheartening feeling stuck. We are where we are financially for several reasons, but the primary one -- the overall economy -- is not within my control. I don't blame myself, I don't blame Brad, and it's fruitless to blame a faceless non-entity like the economy. There's no anger, just a dullness. A dull hollowness inside that at 31, my industry has imploded, I haven't gotten a single response to any resumes I've sent out, and I can't provide for my daughter. Our families are absolutely wonderful, but it makes me sick that I have to wait for my mom or mother-in-law to provide my child clothes from Target. I can't even do THAT by myself.

It's such a strange place to be. We can't get out of the morass we're in, but we're not in any imminent danger. We have ways to cover our needs. Our pride may suffer, but we'll physically be fine. Emotionally is different. It's draining just watching money go away, not knowing how to define yourself anymore, knowing your husband feels the same way. The solution may come with Brad's phone interview Monday, or it may be another five months away. I'm back in limbo -- for the third time in my short adult life. I was never very good at limbo.

Writing feels a little better, but it doesn't actually help anything. I know I'll be fine when I wake up tomorrow, but geez, I really want chocolate. Maybe I'll go find something to laugh at on Failblog.