Motherhood

A little anecdote to start this off. This afternoon, Abigail started begging her daddy to put on some music. Specifically The Cars. Kid loves her some Cars. And when I went home for dinner, what was on the stereo? The Cars. She wouldn't leave Daddy alone until he put it on. So at my house, the listening options include and are limited to The Cars and Bob the Builder.

On a sweeter note, Abigail came stumbling into our room very early one morning last week. A little "Mommy" alerted me to her presence, and I skooched over a bit so she could climb up next to me. I was so tired, I didn't even roll over to see what time it was. Abbey laid down on my arm with her blankies cuddled up to her face and promptly dosed back off. I just laid there watching her through half-closed eyes, feeling her twitch slightly each time sleep started to take over. She even cried out quietly once, fighting the sleep. I enjoyed the moment for a few minutes -- the first time she's ever crawled into bed with me and not immediately started kicking and telling me to get up -- before mustering the energy to pick her up and put her back in her own bed. Thankfully, she slept another couple of hours, but wasn't a bad early wake up call after all.

The overwhelming flood of love for my child still sometimes surprises me. This will sound horrible, but I really didn't connect to her very quickly. For months she was a responsibility that was sometimes cute, but I really didn't have a strong emotion toward her. I left her that first day in the NICU without tears. I visited her twice a day for those five weeks, but I mainly got bored and sleepy. I was incredibly guilty about this for a long time. I think part of it was post-partum depression, if that can kick in two months after the fact, and part was how small Abbey was, just sleeping for months. And I'm sure not knowing a soul in Charlotte didn't help. The early baby months were extremely difficult emotionally, up until about 6 months when she started to get responsive. I loved her, but it wasn't this consuming desire to squeeze her tight and kiss her. Well, when she's not tired and grumpy, when I then want to hand her over to Nana and happily wave good-bye!